Self-Control

     I’d like to say I have a plethora of self-control just oozing from my soul, but the honest truth is I’m probably just an average Joe. I am able to stop myself from eating sweets and drinking soda (something my sister oftentimes can’t), but for some things I’m just unable to stop myself in time. For example, I am just now finally chaining myself to my chair and writing this blog post, which was due almost a week ago. I wrote some of my college apps in a week, when I had an entire summer and quarter to work on them before. I can rarely stop myself from reading the next chapter or watching the next episode, and it’s 4:00 AM before I know it. When my friends ask me to play games with them it’s almost impossible for me to say no unless there’s a guillotine dangling above my head.

  However, to be fair, I think this may be a normal symptom. I know there are some monsters among us who are able to guide themselves through sheer force of will, but judging from how many complaints I hear I think I’m normal. Plus, I’ve done cross country for four years and practiced piano consistently, which are both demanding activities in terms of self-control. While I did try to stay in bed and fake illness while I was in Sholem Sharks (a hellish swimming program inspired by medieval torture texts), I never quit so I think I deserve some credit for sticking with these things.

On the other hand, you could argue that I only stuck with them because they were mandated, in a sense. I had teammates, coaches, and parents making sure I was keeping up. When I’m left on my own, I struggle much more. For example, I did not exercise for an unfortunate amount of time over quarantine, even though I had been the healthiest I’d ever been before quarantine hit. So I guess I have “self-control” when I’m being shepherded towards my goal.

I know that my self-control has decreased significantly from my childhood. I used to watch YouTube every week or two, and felt horrible if I didn’t stay on task. When I was in my prime, I worked practically from sun-up to sun-down, and I could feel myself progressing every day. Now, I do my homework every week or two and feel horrible if I have to stay on task. But to be fair, these periods of extreme productivity were controlled by both a lack of freedom and crushing pressures.

I didn’t have access to a phone or the internet, and I felt like I had to try the hardest if I wanted to get into Uni. So once again, you could say that my “self-control” was an illusion created by a lack of freedom to not be controlled. After I got my phone and computer, trying to hold back became a lot harder.

The only time I feel like I was truly disciplined was the beginning of Freshman year, when I was trying to reach my goal of skipping a grade in math. I self-taught and created my own schedule, and refrained from watching YouTube or using my phone. This lasted for maybe half a year, but it did show me what I am capable of. 

I think the reason why I have so much trouble focusing now or giving my best effort is because I am traumatized. When I pushed myself to the absolute limit, I felt myself breaking down, and the reason I stopped in the first place was because I could not take it anymore. It’s hard to think of subjecting myself to what felt like torture. I know that when what I am doing is something I am passionate about, it will come naturally, but for now, I’ll keep on taking it easy.